Back by popular demand, we give you more immortal words from The Plumber:
ON SHORT TENDONS
‘I was thinking that your problem might be a leak behind the bathtub. I started thinking about that while I was soaking in the bath this morning. I have short tendons. When I was a kid I used to go up on my toes all the time but I don’t tend to do that anymore. I take baths to deal with the problem. When I soak in the bath my tendons lengthen. I couldn’t function if I didn’t soak in the bath once a day.’
ON FAVOURITE BATH SALTS
‘Do you know kelp? Kelp? My son’s friend runs a wholesale business that imports, what do you call it, you know women’s stuff, stuff that women buy for no reason. Like ornaments and things you put on side tables. And she has these bath salts and she gave me a bunch of samples, she made me smell them and was all promoting them and everything and I just smelled this one called ‘kelp’ – that means seaweed – and, mmmm I didn’t need to smell any more. She was all like, ‘smell this’ but I said, ‘no’, and now I have this big jar of it and I use it all the time.’
ON TWO TYPES OF TILE IN OUR HOUSE
[Disdainful] ‘I see somebody’s been doodling, putting tiles down here. Whoever did this didn’t have the first idea what they were doing. They’ve put down two different kinds of tile. You never, ever do that. If an architect walked in here he’d have a stroke. And at least if you’re gonna do that, you never, ever try to make the patterns match. He should have made one diamond-shaped. What you need to do is get a [some special kind of]-saw and you saw this bit here and make a threshold… [YT interrupts, saying that it will never happen, as both she and EPI have other priorities when it comes to time.] [Plumber picks up Europris flier from the kitchen table.] Hey, look! Here’s the saw you need right here!’
ON WHETHER ALL THE PIPES SHOULD BE REPLACED
‘Hell, no! I don’t bury people until they’re dead.’
What a card. Yuck yuck.
MEANWHILE, THE WEATHER HAS BEEN…
Wet. It rained buckets and buckets and buckets today. The kind of rainfall you never used to get here before Climate Change, which now is a lot more like Status Quo. A tropical-shower-like rainfall – vertical rain, and lots of it. Oh, and it’s getting just a wee bit cold, too. It’s 10°C at the moment. We’re in for wind from the north tomorrow – yech! The worst kind of wind you can get here in Niceland – because it comes from the North Pole and it’s nasty. Daybreak today was 04.45 and nightfall is set for 22.09. Getting dark pretty early now.